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His Tool: Music Saved My Life

What do you do when you are feeling lost or alone?  Some of us retreat even further into our heads and our hearts. And because of this psychologists, therapists and counselors have become a necessity to navigate this day to day existence we call life.  So those of you who like to think that you can make it all by yourself.. I call bullshit!!!!!!

First of all God didn’t create us to be solitary creatures. He wanted us to engage, enlighten, and love one another. But it seems that hate, discord and negativity are the greatest forces and because of that..we all need something and somewhere to retreat. My place has to have music. What does yours have to consist of? artboard_1mdpi_1x

Music is one of the places that I can lose myself and it allows me find my way back . Life throws punches, sometimes the bruises are visible and sometimes they are not. Bob Marley said it best..“when the music hits you you feel no pain” . It will soothe your soul if you allow it. Let me tell you how it saved my life…

In October 2017 I was told that I continued to have abnormal results to my cervical testing. I have been dealing with Cervical Cancer issues since the age of 22 and the Lord has seen fit for me to catch it early and continuing to stay it off. In 2017 I finally emotionally, mentally, and spiritually won the debate with my 16 year old self. The one who believed that she (and I) would be married, have at least two kids, and have a nice house. Now, 41 year old me was at peace with not being a biological mother and was loving my space. I have to be honest and say that I still wrestled with being unattached. And when my doctor told me that once again I was going to have to go through another phase of treatment the first things that hit me was…. again I will have to go through this ALONE! …This is where music stepped in… and it was not just any music, it was Gospel music in particular….

My playlist consisted of Fred Hammond, Kirk Franklin, John P Kee, William Murphy, Marvin Winans, Soul Seekers, Tamela Mann, Fantasia, Travis Greene, Uncle Reece, Tina Campbell, Mary Mary, Lisa McClendon, Trin-I-Tee 5:7, Dewayne Woods. Marvin Sapp, Anthony Brown and others.

This was a long process; almost seven months. This music touched every part of my soul and allowed me to crawl out of a dark place. It took me about five months to climb out but once the light got brighter I was able to have the conversation with myself. The conversation where I told myself that just because I am not a mom, I am still a real woman. Where I tell myself that I have touched someone’s life and my existence has not been in vain. Where I tell myself that the man created for me is making his way to me and I will not die without loving someone (other than God and my family) wholeheartedly and receiving that in return. God knows my heart but for a time there I did not care to be here anymore and told God he would just have to deal with me on judgement day. Yes that was a real conversation I had and I meant it. But He wasn’t through with me and used the music to get me through.

One of my ace-girls was listening to alot of gospel at the time and her Spotify account would let me know what she was listening to. So I will click on it and the music was like an elixir. Slowly but surely I was asking myself the hard questions and the music was given me answer in every song I listened to. Check this out…

I was sitting on my bed having a conversation with God and asking him why everyone else had no trouble meeting people; why was I the only one of my friends who didn’t have a man in their lives. What was wrong with me?  Spotify came on (its connected to my Alexa) playing “Clean This House” by Isaac Carree and was followed up by Travis Greene, “He Made a Way”. I had to laugh because I will continue to say that I am tired of being alone but God continues to fill my life with positive things. He continues to shine a light on all the great things in my life. The ones I was completely negating because I was  so deep in the hole that positivity and light were not on my radar. The sadder part is that very few people realized it.

People see what they want to see and they internalized the you that makes them comfortable. So when you are drowning they look away and then when they are around you they again tap into what they need you to be, nothing more. So when you have those friends that can look at you and say, “somethings off, what’s up”; those are your Angel Crew. Keep those people around.

If you are like me you struggle with asking people for help because when you do something ALWAYS goes wrong. That is my truth. So you just don’t do it. Music has proven to be a friend that if I ask for help it is there and it has not let me down yet.

Doctors have found that music stimulates brain cells and taps into the emotional center of the brain. The neurotransmitter Dopamine brings happy to all that is sad and allows the body and the mind to feel something good in the midst of the crazy negative world. So I have to thank the artists who create amazing music that touches my brain and body at the same time and allowed me to be brought back from the brink.  Without you I might not be here…deadass! See, told you we can’t do it alone. God uses everything at his disposal to reach his children.

So now in my forty second year on this planet I am still not out of the woods medically but I am finding my footing in the light emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Music was God’s tool!

What does your playlist look like?

XoXo,

All Rights Reserved (c) 2018

Saved My Life (Gospel) Playlist 

God Still Heals                               Dewayne Woods

Trust In you                                    Anthony Brown & Group Therapy

Necessary                                       Fantasia

No Weapon                                    Fred Hammond

Worth                                              Anthony Brown & Group Therapy

I know I’ve Been Changed           Lashon Pace

More Than I Can Bear                  Kirk Franklin

I Believe                                           John P Kee

It’s Working                                    William Murphy

Draw Me Close to You                  Marvin Winans

It’s All God                                      Soul Seekers

My Life is in Your Hands             Kirk Franklin

God Provides                                  Tamela Mann

Intentional                                      Travis Greene

Until I Pass Out                              Uncle Reece

Through it All                                 Tamela Mann

I Need You Now                             Smokie  Norful

Made a Way                                   Travis Green

Yesterday                                        Mary Mary

God is Able                                     Smokie Norful

Can’t Give Up Now                       Mary Mary

He’s An on Time God                   Dottie Peoples

Well Done                                       Deitrick Haddon

Won’t He Do it                               Koryn Hawthorne

Let Go, Let God                             Dewayne Woods

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Twelve Ten 2010

Today I got an alarm that read… “I met him today”…

On this day seven years ago I ran into the man I believed would be my husband. We had conversed on Facebook and had finally gotten the chance to meet in the parking lot of a local meeting spot. Had an amazing conversation and made plans to see each other later. In the next four weeks we would be come inseparable.

He spoke to my heart and captured my mind. For those who do not know if you can touch a woman at her core (whatever her core is) you have won her. And he touched parts of me that had laid dormant for many a year. I saw a future with him immediately… But there was a reality I didn’t want to face.. he was leaving me. After a deeply emotional conversation we decided we were going to make it work or at least try.

In my mind this man could be it… But my guard was still up because he seemed to just be biding his time. People flirted and flirted back because I wanted to feel like I had options. So in the event that he walked away I would still not be completely alone. This would later backfire on me.

For the next three months we fell into a really nice rhythm and I could feel myself falling. But I still felt like he was just biding his time. He seemed to want to change me and to make we into what he wanted and it began to feel like I wasn’t good enough. Until the day he invited me to hangout with his friends.

I was in route to Atlanta when he called and asked if I wanted to go to dinner with him and some of his friends. I agreed because he had been so gracious to hang out with mine. And I really wanted to see how he treated me around other people, his people.

We ended up at Hudson’s Grille in Midtown. Sat down at a table on the porch and proceeded to enjoy lunch with about 11 people I didn’t know. The girl sitting next to me was cool as hell and was named Kia. She asked a lot of questions about how long he and I had been together and what was next. He didn’t hesitate or miss a beat.. He grabbed my hand, kissed the back of my hand and proceeded to say “this is my future”….

This took me completely by surprise as I had literally thought I was not what he wanted. That day was a turning point. He continued to move in the right direction with everything.. Job, housing, personally… Things just fell into place.

So a month in a half passes .. He stops by my house on the way back to Atlanta.. We are saying goodbye and he kisses me. As he looks at me my heart speaks and I say “I love you”……… *crickets* I was met with the “where did that come from” look.. And a verbal “Aww sweetie”. I held my heart in my throat as he pulls off. I’m back to feeling like he is just biding his time and that flirting that took place in January/February comes back to sting.

Like I said before. I had continued to flirt with those who flirted with me. Most were not obtainable just people to have conversations with to stroke my libido, my ego, I mean my mind. So apparently he’d found a way into my messenger on Facebook and read a conversation I had with someone before we got serious with each other. But apparently he was looking for a way out.

He used this situation to question my feelings for him. He couldn’t say he didn’t know. I was in love with him and he was telling me bye. I attempted to explain but he had already set on an answer and was willing to walk away from me without a fight or discussion, nothing at all. And that’s what he did. That was the end.. Six months to oblivion… I went from planning our next week to crying over the loss of my heart and I slipped into a serious funk.

Over the last seven years I have subconsciously waited for him to wake up and say he wants me. But it has not happened and I do not foresee it happening. I have chosen celibacy because my heart and my v’gina (yeah I call it that!! 😁) go together to create the perfect gift. And perfection should be honored not given to those who cannot understand its value and importance. No I am not perfect but God makes no mistakes so I am perfectly me.

He has taught me so much. He has added to the lists of what I want in a partner and also what I don’t want. His recent abrupt departure cut a little. It hurts to know someone can go from calling you their future to not allowing you to be part of their present *snap* just like that.

But thanks go out to him. He taught me so much about life, my heart and what love feels like when it’s not returned. I’m open to being loved but most importantly I’m open to loving completely… Just has to be that person that pushes my buttons and answers all the previous No’s with Yes’s… And wants me to be a present to his future!

Xoxo,

(c) All rights reserved 2017

Silent Goodbyes

Today is Thanksgiving and guess what, I have a lot to be thankful for. Shoot I am still here and for that alone I am praising God. I am that friend that texts everyone and tells them “Happy Thanksgiving”. This morning I got out my Samsung Edge 7 and began to create my customary text and then I realized something… My list of sendees has silently dwindled to just those who add substance to my life.

Over the course of the year people have silently walked away from me for …well I am unsure of the reasons because they exited stage left without even a “so long” or a “fuck you bitch” ..nothing.. Just stopped calling, texting, interacting and faded into …well who knows, I haven’t talked to them in months. And before someone says the phone works both ways.. the reason I know they faded to black on me is because when I spoke they didn’t respond.

I understand that life takes turns, people grow apart, and things change but I also understand that if you value someone at any point in life that they deserve some form of interaction when it comes to removing yourself from their life. Maybe that is just me. Maybe I see people that I allow into my life, into my space, and in my psyche as important and deserving of interaction and explanation. Maybe others do not see it that way and because of that realization I am not mad. I am a little hurt because I thought I meant to them what they meant to me but apparently that is not the case.

I am one of those people who value those I call friend and if you are upgraded to family status I fold you into the fabric of my world so when you leave without a word, do not return text messages, send my calls to voicemail, how am I supposed to take that?  I fault my parents. They told me to care for people and apparently this world doesn’t work that way. Apparently you discard people on a whim. You care about people in spurts. You trash twenty year friendships. I have never really understood…until this year.

This year I examined my so called connections and realized that most of my connections were one sided and were going to end at some point. I had created a connection with people who were just tolerating my presence because they needed me at that moment. When I stop being useful, meeting a need, or my space needed to be filled by someone else they just dipped. And again this hurt at first cut but after examining  the losses they were not really losses at all.

Sometimes you have to subtract people from your life. And sometimes God intercedes and allows them to remove themselves. Take this as a gift from that person. Who wants (or needs for that matter) people in their lives who do not want to be there. If they wanted you to know they would have told you why they were leaving. This would give you the opportunity to change or to change something or at least acknowledge (or deny) your role in their exit. But if they walk away without word than it more about them than you. Its about them telling themselves it all your fault and that they are better off without you. They have to do what makes them feel comfortable. And none of that involves talking to you about your “relationship”.

So after conversations with my ace girls and my tribe guys, I am at peace with those who silently said goodbye to me this year. I thank them for their foresight and for the time they gave to fake a relationship with me.  I wish them the best and then allow the commission on that ship to end. And as I type this I have removed them from all my social media platforms (they are lingering to be nosy), deleted them from my phone (I could use the space) and moved on.

Life is too short to worry about things and people that do not add to your life. Time is the one thing you cannot get back and I refuse to waste any on people who can careless about me. So the epicness of Chapter 41 continues… lessons continue to be taught and I continue to listen, take notes, and apply what I have learned.

Lesson: LET PEOPLE GO!!!!!

XoXo,

All rights reserved (c) 2017

 

 

Melodic Closure

Music and reality

He wanted to have a conversation about how he felt

I listened with earnest ears

Looking for where I might fit in

He said he had dreamt, visualized and planned our life

But not once did he ask me how I felt about those plans

I might have loved them, detested them, or maybe just wanted to tweak a few things

But the question never presented itself

So I sat in silence

Held his hand

Allowed his voice to massage my temples

And resounded myself to the fact that this was the end

He has planned our wedding from inception, to conception, to his form of fruition

He went silent to wait for an answer to a question that I did not hear

“What do you think?”

My mind had slowed to the pentameter of the song that played

So my response was, “Sounds amazing”.

But I was still waiting on the question that would connect this conversation with my heart…

…..”Do you want to try this again?”….but it never came.

So I sat swaying to the melody of the music and remembering the day I allowed myself to tell him “I Love You”

And reliving the reaction that screamed, “Sorry I do not feel the same”

Just like that night, he made moves to leave, kissed me good bye and again walked away without a heartfelt word.

So the conversation about how he felt was a hello and a goodbye wrapped all in one

As he relayed his feelings he was also closing the door on the chapter with my name on it

He had just penned the Epilogue to our relationship and closed the door behind him

I sat still and let the music wash the moment away

Closed the book and returned it to the shelf

…..THE END!

XOXO,

© 2017 All rights reserved

A Conversation with my Dad!

Today I had a conversation with my dad about me being single. If you know my dad you know he is quiet and funny. He has never had anything to say about my relationships. He has intervened only once but that was because my life was in danger, but that is a whole other blog. So today when I went to hangout with my dad he did something that was unlike him. He asked me who I was dating? My response is was my usual, “No one” and he answered with his unusual, “Why not?”… well that is a good question. I am not really sure of the answer so my dad proceeded to ask me why I was not with guys I had previously dated. And lets just say I was surprised by my dads insight into my dating life. Though he had not said anything apparently he was listening and watching.

So he asked about Curtis*, whom my dad has never met. He has just heard his name. I explained that I was always going to see him but he never came to see me. I was always having to ask him to fit me into schedule and most times I came up short. Though I loved our connection and time together, I just didn’t feel like I was really important to him. Basically he could take or leave the time we spent together. My dad surmised that I was in a one sided relationship and told me that we were better as friends because I would never be high on his priority list. It took me about a year to see this and when I asked my dad why he felt this way about someone he had never met he explained, “Men know what they want. They might say they are confused but they know whether or not they want to spend quality time with someone or are just passing time with someone, and he was just passing time with you. And you are better than that”.

He then asked about Marcus*, whom my dad and my extended family has met. I explained that I had held out hope that we would get back together but it has been five years and it’s still fractured in a lot of ways. My dad asked “isn’t he younger than you?” ..Yes sir…”so he is out there thinking there is something better and younger”… I can’t answer that, but maybe. “no I am telling you, that is what it is”, “he will come back and tell you that he misses you and that he made a mistake, don’t enter into that situation again lightly. Pray about it, because men tend to keep looking when they think they can keep coming back”. My dads words slapped me because of a conversation I had with Marcus recently. I had gotten my heart all amped up just to be put in check by my mind when reality and romance did not align. The more my dad talked, “he seems like a good guy. I know he cares for you. Just think he has some growing up to do and because of that I do not want you to waste time waiting in that situation”, the more I sat in awe of my dad’s assessments of my relationships and his vocalizing his wants for me.

He then asked about Damon* whom I had been with for most of my life. My response to his question was, “I cannot do that again”. I had spent half of my life waiting on someone to see me as worthy to marry. Just plan something. Pick a date. Where are we going to do this? What are the colors you like? Who is going to cater it? Want to just go to the courthouse? I got no answers to these questions. I squandered my twenties waiting on this man to want me. My dad cut me off to tell me, “He loved you”. As I sat with a confused look on my face my dad laughed and said, “The way he knew how to love you”. Still confused, he continued ‘As men, we love the way we know how to love. Which does not mean we know how to love you, how to show you love, how to be in love with you, or what love means to you. But that does not mean we do not love you.  It may come across wrong but that doesn’t mean it is not genuine”. So I had to know, so I asked. “so not wanting to spend time with me, treating me like I was invisible when we were around his family, avoiding questions about marriage, hanging out with your boys all the time, etc was his way of showing love?” My dad continued to laugh at me, “No, none of that was about love, that was about complacency and comfort. He didn’t think you were ever going to leave. So why did he need to do something different. For a long time I didn’t think you were going to leave. Apparently God had to intervene for you to see things differently”.  I had to know so I finally asked, “why didn’t you say anything”. With a smirk on his face he said, “its not my life. I don’t know what makes you happy. I can’t walk in your shoes. When you and your sister became of age your mother and I said we will support unless they ask us to intervene or unless we are concerned with your safety”.

In that minute I understood why neither of parents ever said much about my relationships…it was because they we listening and watching everything. My dad then asked me, “So now that you are in your forties, what are you looking for because I want to meet the man who is going to take care of my daughter when I am not here”. That statement struck me. If you read the blog you know my dad recently had a stroke. And by God’s grace and mercy, he is still with us. He must of seen the stricken look on my face, “now do not run out looking for a man because of this, I want you to be happy and find someone who is going to love you like I love your mom. Not some boy in a man’s body who likes what you can do for him. And stop taking care of everyone and ask someone to take care of you”. I had to laugh because I had been thinking recently that maybe I am projecting that I do not need a man and that is why I cannot find my match. So I asked my dad what he meant by that statement and he replied, “we raised you to be independent because we knew that you would have to be strong to keep moving from place to place. But independence does not mean you do not need anyone it simply means that if you have to make it, you can. You tend to take care of others and shun their want to take care of you. Mind you I do not think you have met the man God created for you because the guys you have dated have looked to you to take care of them and that I do not like. But that is the role you have become comfortable in and that needs to change now. Men like to be needed and you don’t need them and they feel that. So you need to find a balance in your life where you will allow your want to someone to be seen as need. Men are simple creatures we do not require actual need just the perception of it” We both laughed and I had to give my dad a high five on that one.

So what my dad was saying is that he raised me to be strong and independent but not to the point to that I am in this life alone. Strength and independence are qualities not ways of life. I want and need companionship, physical contact, and above all else LOVE to make this life2a824c147fcc399b24b8591cc009c167 what God intended it to be, WHOLE!

I left my parents house today in deep thought about what I want in a man and out of life at this point. I really want my mate to meet my father and my father to approve of my mate because my dad was the first man to show me what real love looked like… and I would really love him to see that I have followed his lead and found it. So from this blog to God’s ears then to my door step.. shall he come.. my partner, my friend, my love, my mate!

My first relationship conversation with my dad… at age 41.. told you #chapter41 was going to be epic.

XoXo

All rights reserved (c) 2017

Un-Side Chick Chronicles

Okay maybe I am being a little melodramatic or maybe I just do not realize what I am projecting.  Do I look like that chick who would be okay with being a side chick, side piece, side anything? Do I give the impression that I will be okay with only having half of your attention and just a little bit of your time? I have always been told that I am real and that is what people like about me but that cannot be true. Why you ask?

Well let’s start with the guy who is in my inbox on “the” Facebook. The one who I have told that ” I have a man” but who insists that he come see me, that I come see him or that I make time for him. So what part of “I have a man” did he not hear. He has stated frequently, “bump that dude”, like that statement is going to make me leave and come see him. So when asked, “If I were your woman would you want me meeting up with random men?”…his response was, “Well that would be different”… How so? Really? (he thinks I am playing, no really…) 

Then there is the guy who wants to take care of you but wants you to put forth all the effort. Wants you to be available for him whenever he has time. Doesn’t care about your schedule but says he cares for…. maybe even loves you. But you can’t come see me? I have to ask what you are doing this weekend to see if you have time for me. But this guy has no time for you. Can’t find a few minutes in his schedule to you pencil you in but wants to send you text messages saying how much he cares. You are lowkey still interested because it was good.. when it was good… but can you get that back or is the current situation what it would be like in the long-term?  All good questions (side chick to his schedule) 

Or we have the guy who texts you every morning, “Hey beautiful” and checks to see how you are doing. He is a decent guy and it’s always nice to be called beautiful. He has listened to you talk about your issues and has been a sounding board for other things. So you are taken aback when you catch a glimpse of him in a wedding picture of one of your associates… as the groom. But wait a minute… (as you check your text messages) you just text me three days ago…. but you are married….. REALLY? (unknowingly almost the side chick)

Fellas please stop the madness… or maybe I am giving off Side Chick Pheromones because nowhere in my personality and my conversation do I come across as a woman who would20527414_10154636237755966_63086769_n be okay with being anyone’s thot plus one. Especially when I have had that conversation at length about not understanding the concept of cheating.  Shit, just leave. I do not get why you would take yourself and anyone else through that. Now I am not going to act like a saint but I will say that with age comes wisdom and this ish has got stop.

Please tell me what I am doing to make guys think that I am side chick available; that I am taking “somebody else’s man” applications; that I am auditioning for thot of the year; that I am okay with community penis; or I am accepting shit when I deserve gold.. I THINK NOT! But apparently I am doing something wrong because this is my reality.

The one I want is not checking for me and has regulated me to the kissable friend zone. So I stay in a positive head space, hit the the gym on the regular, keep being about my business and asking God to intervene on my behalf with a guy who sees me for the jewel, a bad chick, a soldier, a ride or die, a great friend, an amazing helpmate…. for him to just see ME… and be willing to be all those things for me.

And until then.. I gotta find out what I am doing for these guys to be throwing side chick high fives my way… please, please, please, miss with that!

….. stay tuned for what’s next in the “Un (knowing) Side Chick Chronicles..

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XoXo..

2017 (c) All rights reserved

Stage Life

I conjure the world as a stage in my head.
I look out into the audience and see nothing but blank stares looking back.
My heart sinks because in that moment I realize I am alone.
No one to listen, no one to hold me, no one to talk to or just be there.
I sit center stage and look up at the lights hoping for enlightenment but silence is all I receive in response to my request.
Where do I turn when the world gets to be too much.
Who holds me when reality leaves my battered and bruised.
Who listens when I cry out loud
Who knows me well enough to read my silence.
I sit in darkness praying for light
Asking for God to send someone who’s presence is the answer to all my hearts needs.
That one person whose soul speaks fluent me and who wants to present in my world.
At this point I’m not sure it exists but who am I to question God.
I cry myself to sleep and hope for the best
I smile through the days because it’s the only way I make it.
I take care of everyone else because at least that is proof that I am still alive.
I exhale in the morning and wonder if that O2 should be utilized for someone else.
I ask God for direction and some semblance of purpose because I can’t keep doing this thing called life alone.
His answer is always the same, “I have great things in store for you”
So I sit center stage, cross my legs, read my script and continue to play my role
Praying for God to sends me a costar that delivers a God worthy performance and changes the game.

Xoxo

© 2017 All Rights Reserved

His Truth

…. (from his point of view)

You stand at a distant

Aloof and uninvested

But as you watch her live her life out loud

The sound is deafening

Not because she is flamboyant or over the top but because her happiness is screaming at you.

Instead of taking part in her life you have sat on the sidelines,

Not wanting to commit to her or admit to yourself that she is your world

So you let her go and stayed silently connected to her while trying to upgrade her

Well lessons can be brutal, heart punches, reality slaps and strokes of consciousness…

Leaving you with the knowledge that more than 100% is unobtainable

But she gave you 200% of herself

Which you handed back because you wanted to find something better.

That better doesn’t exist.

You know that now,

But is the place you vacated still vacant or has it been taken by someone who recognizes her heart, sings with her laugh, dances with her soul and holds her hand.

Can you go back?

Will she let you in?

Will she greet you with that smile that you see when you close your eyes.

Or will the knock go unanswered?

She deserves the truth and you need an answer.

So knock on the door of this situation and let her know what your heart feels…

Tell her your truth!

XOXO,

© 2017 All rights reserved

I Need a Black & Mild

I woke up this morning and wanted a Vanilla Black & Mild. Yes, me! See told you there was so much people assume about me (insert Joker laugh), but I digress.

I woke up with the taste of cigar vanilla in my mouth and actually thought to myself, “Hooky??” But after a long night and an even longer morning I knew I needed to go to work. But the thought of a good ole’ Black & Mild and a glass of Honey Hennessy and Cherry Coke sounded so much better than going to work and pushing paper.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love the ladies I work with and I am appreciative of my job. But recently I have become very disenchanted with what I am doing and where I am going. There is so much I wanted to accomplish by forty. Now again don’t get me wrong. I am proud of the what I have accomplished in these four decades. I just want to do so much more.

I am one of those people who know what they were called to do. I was placed here to help people and I do not really feel like I am doing that. You know that feeling you get when you are antsy and think it is time for a change and you start planning for that change…

My reality is that I start out doing awesome and make all the right moves. I get the interviews, I even get offered the job but then I begin thinking… what is this going to offer me that I am not recieving where I am now? Usually the answer is nothing so I stay. So instead I have decided to start my own businesses.

I am going back to my old Mary Kay days and am now an Independent Consultant with Paparazzi Accessories. There are so many great things about this company and the fact that I can make money in different ways it adds to my want to build my business.  My company is called Beautimous & Blitz (B&B) Accessories, Inc.  and I am loving it. Through my VIP Group and my Facebook Business Page  I am doing well for my first month.

And since I have been consulting for years I am actually going to build my company up.  Bridge2It™ Consulting is the happy marriage of my “calling” and my “hustle”. I consult, refer and train on social services and Juvenile Justice issues. I have an amazing network of people that surround me and Bridge2It™ allows me to refer people to organizations, companies, and agencies that can help them.

As I sit on my back porch because I didn’t go to work and drink a glass of Hennessy and Coke I strategizes on my next move. Build, build and build. And as I puff, puff, and puff on my Vanilla Black & Mild I can see the future I want for myself; through the vanilla flavored cloud I can see if all coming into view.

I need to go get some more Vanilla Black & Milds….they help me make moves…..

XoXo

Kesha

© 2017. All Rights Reserved.

THE STRUGGLE

My eyes light up when that song plays because I know it’s you.
When I hear your text notification my soul smiles
But in those instances where your voice is absent and you sink into keyboard silence, I wonder if I am the reason.
I’m confident in my ability to love you but at these times I question your want to be loved by me.
I’ve done it again…counted my chickens, painted a picture, written a story and finished the Epilogue before the Prologue even takes shape.
I have placed hopes on the possibilities and that has caused pain in my reality.
I hand the raines to God at this point because I’m not equipped to referee the fight between my heart and my mind.
I can’t mediate your role in my life… friend, lover, associate, aloof spectator, or frequent passerby.
Regardless of your true position my id and my ego stand on opposite sides of the discussion
Reaking havoc on my ability to function
The dosage of reality needed is unclear
Will it take you saying, “I only see you as a friend”, or something harsher like “sorry I don’t want you”.
Whatever the prescription please administer it in one dose because my heart can only take one strike.
Be it reality or fiction my heart and mind agree on one thing, you mean something to me.
Now they just need to know what I mean to you.

(c) 2017 All Rights Reserved