Normal is not always obtainable. We reach for it but we still do always obtain it. For the last four months normal has not been illusive and I have not been able to find it. All my detective skills failed me. And I am good. So I attempted to reach out but I was met with people who wanted to tell me how to feel and that a change a scenery would make me feel better.
FACT: Telling someone how to feel is not helpful!
So I have been pushing through for the last couple of months. Literally questioning God as to why I was here. I just could not get out of this funk. And before anyone says it sounds like depression. I will tell you that I can agree with that statement but I also know it has to be something else. I know how to work through my depressive states but my usually strategies are not working.
Usually I can take a walk, hit the gym, do some writing and listening to some music and I can make it out of that mood .. but that was not working. I have absolutely no energy, can’t focus, and physically had aches and pains. Maybe it is a deeep depression. I do not know.. all I know is that I can’t shake it.
I do realize that there are some things that are missing in my life. And also realize that they will only change if I change them. But the question remain.. Where do I start? As a social worker I am tasked with coming up with solutions to other’s problems. I can look at a problem, create a plan around it and arrive at a successful outcome. But for myself, this seem like a exercise in futility.
I truly believe that therapy is on the horizon. Now that is going to be hard because this town has one degree of separation so will I find someone here that I be able to speak freely with. And yes I understand confidentiality but I also understand human nature. So I will research this some more before I dive into it.
The other thing I know is missing is my connection to my or a church. I need that release. I need that word and since my father’s stroke a year or so ago I have not been back. But I have to get back because I feel lost and apparently I keep walking further and further away from the solution. So this Saturday after I get my dad situated I am going back to church. I will let you know how that goes.. (check out my instagram post for October 27th)
What I have come to realize is that “normal” has never been within my reach. I believe that my normal is a perpetual state of abnormal. Let me explain that. My position in life is that of fixer and at the ripe young age of 42 I can tell you that it is mentally and physically exhausting. I know it is messing with my psyche because I am writing this right now (yes you can laugh..) and I know that it is affecting me physically because I cannot lose this weight. Professionally I push through, but I can say that I am so far off task that it would probably take me about a month to be on an even foot again.
Epiphany: This may be the reason for my panic attacks.
But the crazy part about this is that I think, no I know, that I am comfortable in this role; what I am not comfortable with is that I have no real outlet. Who is my fixer? I am 42 years old and outside of my mom (on some level) and about three (yes only three) noone actually listens when I talk. So where does that leave me? ….. I am waiting……*taps foot* Still waiting.. You got anything? So here we are….. trying to figure out what to do… those who are actually reading this probably do not know me so I welcome your honest opinion to the question… How do you create an atmosphere of normalcy and maintain it?
If you are wondering… I am still in struggle mode… but I have bouts of great moments so I am holding on to those. This will not beat me but I will have to find some help because the one thing I have learned is that I cannot do this alone.
The healing and rebuilding may be a slow process but it is a necessary one… so this is me mixing the cement for the foundation….
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