Normal is not always obtainable. We reach for it but we still do always obtain it. For the last four months normal has not been illusive and I have not been able to find it. All my detective skills failed me. And I am good. So I attempted to reach out but I was met with people who wanted to tell me how to feel and that a change a scenery would make me feel better.

FACT: Telling someone how to feel is not helpful!

So I have been pushing through for the last couple of months. Literally questioning God as to why I was here. I just could not get out of this funk. And before anyone says it sounds like depression. I will tell you that I can agree with that statement but I also know it has to be something else. I know how to work through my depressive states but my usually strategies are not working.

Usually I can take a walk, hit the gym, do some writing and listening to some music and I can make it out of that mood .. but that was not working. I have absolutely no energy, can’t focus, and physically had aches and pains. Maybe it is a deeep depression. I do not know.. all I know is that I can’t shake it.

I do realize that there are some things that are missing in my life.  And also realize that they will only change if I change them. But the question remain.. Where do I start? As a social worker I am tasked with coming up with solutions to other’s problems. I can look at a problem, create a plan around it and arrive at a successful outcome. But for myself, this seem like a exercise in futility.

I truly believe that therapy is on the horizon. Now that is going to be hard because this town has one degree of separation so will I find someone here that I be able to speak freely with. And yes I understand confidentiality but I also understand human nature. So I will research this some more before I dive into it.

The other thing I know is missing is my connection to my or a church. I need that release. I need that word and since my father’s stroke a year or so ago I have not been back. But I have to get back because I feel lost and apparently I keep walking further and further away from the solution.  So this Saturday after I get my dad situated I am going back to church. I will let you know how that goes.. (check out my instagram post for October 27th)

What I have come to realize is that “normal” has never been within my reach. I believe that my normal is a perpetual state of abnormal. Let me explain that. My position in life is that of fixer and at the ripe young age of 42 I can tell you that it is mentally and physically exhausting. I know it is messing with my psyche because I am writing this right now (yes you can laugh..) and I know that it is affecting me physically because I cannot lose this weight. Professionally I push through, but I can say that I am so far off task that it would probably take me about a month to be on an even foot again.

Epiphany: This may be the reason for my panic attacks.

But the crazy part about this is that I think, no I know, that I am comfortable in this role; what I am not comfortable with is that I have no real outlet. Who is my fixer? I am 42 years old and outside of my mom (on some level) and about three (yes only three) noone actually listens when I talk. So where does that leave me? ….. I am waiting……*taps foot*  Still waiting.. You got anything?  So here we are….. trying to figure out what to do…  those who are actually reading this probably do not know me so I welcome your honest opinion to the question… How do you create an atmosphere of normalcy and maintain it?

If you are wondering… I am still in struggle mode… but I have bouts of great moments so I am holding on to those. This will not beat me but I will have to find some help because the one thing I have learned is that I cannot do this alone.

The healing and rebuilding may be a slow process but it is a necessary one… so this is me mixing the cement for the foundation….


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Believe What You Will….

“He said what?”..

“That you and Ole’ boy slept together”

“When was this?”

“Recently! Like around the 4th”

As I looked around to see if I was being Punk’d for the second time this week.. I was taken aback. This conversation was had at 12:52 this morning. First of all I was sleep, which is rare, so everything about this conversation felt like a dream. But it was real….

A guy friend of mine called to let me know that the streets where saying I slept with somebody’s husband. And the crazier thing is that the wife was looking for me. First of all, do we still do that? That being letting the streets inform us about what is going on and not asking the person directly. I am 8 years from 50… I am too old for this mess.

So I told AC* to give her my number and we could quash this right now. The funnier part is that the man I have allegedly been sleeping with is a stranger to me. I know who he is but have never had a vertical conversation with him let alone a horizontal one. But then again it doesn’t really matter does it. People believe what they want to believe.

Ten minutes later I get a call from “the wife” who is very cordial. I ask when was I to have allegedly slept with her husband and she proceeded to tell me that there are pictures from the July 4th weekend of us that people had sent her. I let her finish then explained to her that I was sorry that she was going through this but the photos could have been of me for a few reasons.. One because I was out of town from the 4th through the 9th and secondly because I do not know her husband. In a very polite nasty voice she called me a “lying bitch”. And yes I laughed because again here we are at the point where someone is telling you the truth but you would rather believe the lie. I kindly explained that her husband may be cheating on her but not with me. There are a lot of “Kesha’s” in town… and someone gave her the wrong information. The street isn’t always right…just a heads up!

I asked if she could send me the pictures and her voice became forceful and angry. “No, because you know what you did”. I chuckled again because I was being accused of sleeping with someone who I didn’t know and this woman was adamant that it was me. And the truth was that I was not even in town. There are pictures of me with other people in New Orleans… And people are still going to believe this mess.

So by 1:25 I was done. I explained to her that I was out of town at the time that these pictures where supposed to be taken and on top of that I do not know her husband. She proceeded to tell me that this was not over. I politely explained to her that it was because her number had already been forwarded to law enforcement just in case any threats were made. And I took that last statement as a threat.

People please stop making up stories about people. Am I perfect, no. Have I messed up, yes. And to be honest if I had done this, I would have owned it because that is who I am. But the fact that I haven’t spoken to nor do I know the man in question personally, I am not sitting still for this.

Craziness at its finest!

Stay Tuned!


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…for the rest of my life

I am not sure if I will ever find it… it being true unadulterated happiness…it being true unconditional mutual love. It being that special whatever you call it. I have almost been someone who takes care of people. It has always made me feel like I was alive. But I think I also use it as a void filler…

For a long time I struggled with not being a parent, ending my parents chances of being amazing grandparents. It still hurts a little but I pray that they forgive me. I would love to have a child that shares my eyes, whose mannerisms are like mine, who laughs like his or her father. But that begs another question….

Will I be alone for the rest of my days on this planet? When I die who will it say I’m survived by… her parents, her sister…. and ……… still waiting? Yeah me too. I’m beginning to feel like I will be alone forever. Is there something wrong with me? Am I doing something wrong? Am I ugly? Am I too fat?  Why can I not find happiness?  Why is it so damn illusive.  I am not one of those people who have shunned love. I have never thrown love away. If anything I have held on too long to what could have been, should have been or what I wished was love; but never have I thrown it away.  So why does it feel like I am being punished?

I read all the blogs and books about how if you stop looking your soulmate will walk into your life…. I stopped looking 6 years ago.. and I am still alone. Who doesn’t want someone to who hold when they cry, laugh with them when something is funny, talk about stupid things, argue about even dumber mess, eat an amazing dinner with and enjoy an amazing concert, talk comic books (this is double points for me) and of course hit the football game with…who doesn’t want that! But with each year it looks like God has not written a mate into my story.  So what do I do…

.. I hold on to the loose ties that I have with men in my life. Be they ex-boyfriends, male friends, or guys I barely know who have shown interest. Just so I can feel somewhat alive. Now don’t get my wrong, I know some amazing guys. Some are actually attracted to me and are interested in being more…but I do not feel the same.

I have loved three guys in my life. I have cared for some amazing guys but three have and hold a piece of me. And all of those showed me on some level that I wasn’t what they wanted. I treasure the amazing times we had and what they taught me but what I walked away feeling was inadequate, ugly, unloveable, and unwanted.  And I have been working to change that every since. And failing miserably; but I hide it well.

So I guess I need to make sure that I enjoy this life that God gave me because I will actually leave nothing behind that is tangible. So I might as well just live life like it ends tomorrow…. because the one truism that I see is that it’s just going to be me….

….for the rest of my life…..


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Let’s Go…

We can come up with a list of what we are tired of in about three seconds but if we are asked what our goals are and what we want out of life we are stomped for three hours. How sad is this?

Last night I had my weekly planning meeting with Sherri* and had sat for a minute to think what I wanted for the rest of this year. But before I dive into what I wanted I needed to ask myself what have I accomplished…. Yes I have accomplished something dammit! But we (yeah I am talking to me too), rarely look at what we have done right and stay focused on what we did wrong. Shoot we can see the wrong so much clearer than the right.

So my journal entry last night was “I am tired of…” and I just started writing, I wanted to get all the things that I am tired of out of the way so I can focus on what I need to do to create what I want in this life. Sometimes I feel like I am treading water when all I want to do is float. The reality of it all is that all of I have to do is lay back and kick my feet up because that is what is floating is…right? But why does that seem so hard at times? Why is existing so easy and why does living seem so far from our reach? Or is that just me? Now do not get me wrong there are pockets of my life that I am completely content, happy, fulfilled and smiling about. But the areas that still need work seem to throw oak tree size shade over my happy places. That damn thing called balance seem to be so elusive. I am looking for him (yeah, its a he because you know how they are!) and he shows up every once in a while to give me a little false hope and to keep me thinking that I am doing something right and then he is gone again. He and his homeboy consistency. He ain’t no good either. I thought consistency and I were doing better with our relationship but he just stopped showing up for me too. But I have to own my role in the slow demise of our relationship. I was not as present as I should have been hence the breakdown.  So here we are now in counseling to get it all together.

You have to have sounding boards or an actual counselor. Because you cannot navigate life on your own. Just a little side note… back to the topic… What am I ready for? Do you have a list? Does it change on a regular basis? Are they realistic goals? See some things we will never have because they are not meant for us. Sorry to be blunt but hey life is short and I refuse to waste time dwelling, dealing or entertaining things that are not for me.  Be it a job, a dude, a so-called friend, etc. We know when thing do not add to our happiness but we still do not walk away from them. Why is that?

Again, back to the goals. I won’t list them but I will say that some of my goals were lofty.. you know unreachable, unobtainable, just too much. But those realistic goals … you know the weight loss goal, the financial stability goal, the closer to Jesus goal, etc..these goals are attainable if you stick to what works and continue to focus on the journey not the outcome you will be in a better place mentally to complete it. We tend to psych ourselves out…without provocation or reason… we are just scared of succeeding because that mean we have to focus on something else.

Here is one truism in life… Growth requires Understanding. So after my list of what I was tired of and my current list of what I am really going focus on… I am content in the knowledge that I will have to become friends with consistency and also do my best to be transparent with myself. I have to create balance but above all I have to be intentional in my steps so that my progress can be measured and my accomplishments can be felt.

From Blogville to God’s Ears! LET’S GO!!!

His Tool: Music Saved My Life

What do you do when you are feeling lost or alone?  Some of us retreat even further into our heads and our hearts. And because of this psychologists, therapists and counselors have become a necessity to navigate this day to day existence we call life.  So those of you who like to think that you can make it all by yourself.. I call bullshit!!!!!!

First of all God didn’t create us to be solitary creatures. He wanted us to engage, enlighten, and love one another. But it seems that hate, discord and negativity are the greatest forces and because of that..we all need something and somewhere to retreat. My place has to have music. What does yours have to consist of? artboard_1mdpi_1x

Music is one of the places that I can lose myself and it allows me find my way back . Life throws punches, sometimes the bruises are visible and sometimes they are not. Bob Marley said it best..“when the music hits you you feel no pain” . It will soothe your soul if you allow it. Let me tell you how it saved my life…

In October 2017 I was told that I continued to have abnormal results to my cervical testing. I have been dealing with Cervical Cancer issues since the age of 22 and the Lord has seen fit for me to catch it early and continuing to stay it off. In 2017 I finally emotionally, mentally, and spiritually won the debate with my 16 year old self. The one who believed that she (and I) would be married, have at least two kids, and have a nice house. Now, 41 year old me was at peace with not being a biological mother and was loving my space. I have to be honest and say that I still wrestled with being unattached. And when my doctor told me that once again I was going to have to go through another phase of treatment the first things that hit me was…. again I will have to go through this ALONE! …This is where music stepped in… and it was not just any music, it was Gospel music in particular….

My playlist consisted of Fred Hammond, Kirk Franklin, John P Kee, William Murphy, Marvin Winans, Soul Seekers, Tamela Mann, Fantasia, Travis Greene, Uncle Reece, Tina Campbell, Mary Mary, Lisa McClendon, Trin-I-Tee 5:7, Dewayne Woods. Marvin Sapp, Anthony Brown and others.

This was a long process; almost seven months. This music touched every part of my soul and allowed me to crawl out of a dark place. It took me about five months to climb out but once the light got brighter I was able to have the conversation with myself. The conversation where I told myself that just because I am not a mom, I am still a real woman. Where I tell myself that I have touched someone’s life and my existence has not been in vain. Where I tell myself that the man created for me is making his way to me and I will not die without loving someone (other than God and my family) wholeheartedly and receiving that in return. God knows my heart but for a time there I did not care to be here anymore and told God he would just have to deal with me on judgement day. Yes that was a real conversation I had and I meant it. But He wasn’t through with me and used the music to get me through.

One of my ace-girls was listening to alot of gospel at the time and her Spotify account would let me know what she was listening to. So I will click on it and the music was like an elixir. Slowly but surely I was asking myself the hard questions and the music was given me answer in every song I listened to. Check this out…

I was sitting on my bed having a conversation with God and asking him why everyone else had no trouble meeting people; why was I the only one of my friends who didn’t have a man in their lives. What was wrong with me?  Spotify came on (its connected to my Alexa) playing “Clean This House” by Isaac Carree and was followed up by Travis Greene, “He Made a Way”. I had to laugh because I will continue to say that I am tired of being alone but God continues to fill my life with positive things. He continues to shine a light on all the great things in my life. The ones I was completely negating because I was  so deep in the hole that positivity and light were not on my radar. The sadder part is that very few people realized it.

People see what they want to see and they internalized the you that makes them comfortable. So when you are drowning they look away and then when they are around you they again tap into what they need you to be, nothing more. So when you have those friends that can look at you and say, “somethings off, what’s up”; those are your Angel Crew. Keep those people around.

If you are like me you struggle with asking people for help because when you do something ALWAYS goes wrong. That is my truth. So you just don’t do it. Music has proven to be a friend that if I ask for help it is there and it has not let me down yet.

Doctors have found that music stimulates brain cells and taps into the emotional center of the brain. The neurotransmitter Dopamine brings happy to all that is sad and allows the body and the mind to feel something good in the midst of the crazy negative world. So I have to thank the artists who create amazing music that touches my brain and body at the same time and allowed me to be brought back from the brink.  Without you I might not be here…deadass! See, told you we can’t do it alone. God uses everything at his disposal to reach his children.

So now in my forty second year on this planet I am still not out of the woods medically but I am finding my footing in the light emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Music was God’s tool!

What does your playlist look like?


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Saved My Life (Gospel) Playlist 

God Still Heals                               Dewayne Woods

Trust In you                                    Anthony Brown & Group Therapy

Necessary                                       Fantasia

No Weapon                                    Fred Hammond

Worth                                              Anthony Brown & Group Therapy

I know I’ve Been Changed           Lashon Pace

More Than I Can Bear                  Kirk Franklin

I Believe                                           John P Kee

It’s Working                                    William Murphy

Draw Me Close to You                  Marvin Winans

It’s All God                                      Soul Seekers

My Life is in Your Hands             Kirk Franklin

God Provides                                  Tamela Mann

Intentional                                      Travis Greene

Until I Pass Out                              Uncle Reece

Through it All                                 Tamela Mann

I Need You Now                             Smokie  Norful

Made a Way                                   Travis Green

Yesterday                                        Mary Mary

God is Able                                     Smokie Norful

Can’t Give Up Now                       Mary Mary

He’s An on Time God                   Dottie Peoples

Well Done                                       Deitrick Haddon

Won’t He Do it                               Koryn Hawthorne

Let Go, Let God                             Dewayne Woods

Twelve Ten 2010

Today I got an alarm that read… “I met him today”…

On this day seven years ago I ran into the man I believed would be my husband. We had conversed on Facebook and had finally gotten the chance to meet in the parking lot of a local meeting spot. Had an amazing conversation and made plans to see each other later. In the next four weeks we would be come inseparable.

He spoke to my heart and captured my mind. For those who do not know if you can touch a woman at her core (whatever her core is) you have won her. And he touched parts of me that had laid dormant for many a year. I saw a future with him immediately… But there was a reality I didn’t want to face.. he was leaving me. After a deeply emotional conversation we decided we were going to make it work or at least try.

In my mind this man could be it… But my guard was still up because he seemed to just be biding his time. People flirted and flirted back because I wanted to feel like I had options. So in the event that he walked away I would still not be completely alone. This would later backfire on me.

For the next three months we fell into a really nice rhythm and I could feel myself falling. But I still felt like he was just biding his time. He seemed to want to change me and to make we into what he wanted and it began to feel like I wasn’t good enough. Until the day he invited me to hangout with his friends.

I was in route to Atlanta when he called and asked if I wanted to go to dinner with him and some of his friends. I agreed because he had been so gracious to hang out with mine. And I really wanted to see how he treated me around other people, his people.

We ended up at Hudson’s Grille in Midtown. Sat down at a table on the porch and proceeded to enjoy lunch with about 11 people I didn’t know. The girl sitting next to me was cool as hell and was named Kia. She asked a lot of questions about how long he and I had been together and what was next. He didn’t hesitate or miss a beat.. He grabbed my hand, kissed the back of my hand and proceeded to say “this is my future”….

This took me completely by surprise as I had literally thought I was not what he wanted. That day was a turning point. He continued to move in the right direction with everything.. Job, housing, personally… Things just fell into place.

So a month in a half passes .. He stops by my house on the way back to Atlanta.. We are saying goodbye and he kisses me. As he looks at me my heart speaks and I say “I love you”……… *crickets* I was met with the “where did that come from” look.. And a verbal “Aww sweetie”. I held my heart in my throat as he pulls off. I’m back to feeling like he is just biding his time and that flirting that took place in January/February comes back to sting.

Like I said before. I had continued to flirt with those who flirted with me. Most were not obtainable just people to have conversations with to stroke my libido, my ego, I mean my mind. So apparently he’d found a way into my messenger on Facebook and read a conversation I had with someone before we got serious with each other. But apparently he was looking for a way out.

He used this situation to question my feelings for him. He couldn’t say he didn’t know. I was in love with him and he was telling me bye. I attempted to explain but he had already set on an answer and was willing to walk away from me without a fight or discussion, nothing at all. And that’s what he did. That was the end.. Six months to oblivion… I went from planning our next week to crying over the loss of my heart and I slipped into a serious funk.

Over the last seven years I have subconsciously waited for him to wake up and say he wants me. But it has not happened and I do not foresee it happening. I have chosen celibacy because my heart and my v’gina (yeah I call it that!! 😁) go together to create the perfect gift. And perfection should be honored not given to those who cannot understand its value and importance. No I am not perfect but God makes no mistakes so I am perfectly me.

He has taught me so much. He has added to the lists of what I want in a partner and also what I don’t want. His recent abrupt departure cut a little. It hurts to know someone can go from calling you their future to not allowing you to be part of their present *snap* just like that.

But thanks go out to him. He taught me so much about life, my heart and what love feels like when it’s not returned. I’m open to being loved but most importantly I’m open to loving completely… Just has to be that person that pushes my buttons and answers all the previous No’s with Yes’s… And wants me to be a present to his future!


(c) All rights reserved 2017

Silent Goodbyes

Today is Thanksgiving and guess what, I have a lot to be thankful for. Shoot I am still here and for that alone I am praising God. I am that friend that texts everyone and tells them “Happy Thanksgiving”. This morning I got out my Samsung Edge 7 and began to create my customary text and then I realized something… My list of sendees has silently dwindled to just those who add substance to my life.

Over the course of the year people have silently walked away from me for …well I am unsure of the reasons because they exited stage left without even a “so long” or a “fuck you bitch” ..nothing.. Just stopped calling, texting, interacting and faded into …well who knows, I haven’t talked to them in months. And before someone says the phone works both ways.. the reason I know they faded to black on me is because when I spoke they didn’t respond.

I understand that life takes turns, people grow apart, and things change but I also understand that if you value someone at any point in life that they deserve some form of interaction when it comes to removing yourself from their life. Maybe that is just me. Maybe I see people that I allow into my life, into my space, and in my psyche as important and deserving of interaction and explanation. Maybe others do not see it that way and because of that realization I am not mad. I am a little hurt because I thought I meant to them what they meant to me but apparently that is not the case.

I am one of those people who value those I call friend and if you are upgraded to family status I fold you into the fabric of my world so when you leave without a word, do not return text messages, send my calls to voicemail, how am I supposed to take that?  I fault my parents. They told me to care for people and apparently this world doesn’t work that way. Apparently you discard people on a whim. You care about people in spurts. You trash twenty year friendships. I have never really understood…until this year.

This year I examined my so called connections and realized that most of my connections were one sided and were going to end at some point. I had created a connection with people who were just tolerating my presence because they needed me at that moment. When I stop being useful, meeting a need, or my space needed to be filled by someone else they just dipped. And again this hurt at first cut but after examining  the losses they were not really losses at all.

Sometimes you have to subtract people from your life. And sometimes God intercedes and allows them to remove themselves. Take this as a gift from that person. Who wants (or needs for that matter) people in their lives who do not want to be there. If they wanted you to know they would have told you why they were leaving. This would give you the opportunity to change or to change something or at least acknowledge (or deny) your role in their exit. But if they walk away without word than it more about them than you. Its about them telling themselves it all your fault and that they are better off without you. They have to do what makes them feel comfortable. And none of that involves talking to you about your “relationship”.

So after conversations with my ace girls and my tribe guys, I am at peace with those who silently said goodbye to me this year. I thank them for their foresight and for the time they gave to fake a relationship with me.  I wish them the best and then allow the commission on that ship to end. And as I type this I have removed them from all my social media platforms (they are lingering to be nosy), deleted them from my phone (I could use the space) and moved on.

Life is too short to worry about things and people that do not add to your life. Time is the one thing you cannot get back and I refuse to waste any on people who can careless about me. So the epicness of Chapter 41 continues… lessons continue to be taught and I continue to listen, take notes, and apply what I have learned.

Lesson: LET PEOPLE GO!!!!!


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Melodic Closure

Music and reality

He wanted to have a conversation about how he felt

I listened with earnest ears

Looking for where I might fit in

He said he had dreamt, visualized and planned our life

But not once did he ask me how I felt about those plans

I might have loved them, detested them, or maybe just wanted to tweak a few things

But the question never presented itself

So I sat in silence

Held his hand

Allowed his voice to massage my temples

And resounded myself to the fact that this was the end

He has planned our wedding from inception, to conception, to his form of fruition

He went silent to wait for an answer to a question that I did not hear

“What do you think?”

My mind had slowed to the pentameter of the song that played

So my response was, “Sounds amazing”.

But I was still waiting on the question that would connect this conversation with my heart…

…..”Do you want to try this again?”….but it never came.

So I sat swaying to the melody of the music and remembering the day I allowed myself to tell him “I Love You”

And reliving the reaction that screamed, “Sorry I do not feel the same”

Just like that night, he made moves to leave, kissed me good bye and again walked away without a heartfelt word.

So the conversation about how he felt was a hello and a goodbye wrapped all in one

As he relayed his feelings he was also closing the door on the chapter with my name on it

He had just penned the Epilogue to our relationship and closed the door behind him

I sat still and let the music wash the moment away

Closed the book and returned it to the shelf



© 2017 All rights reserved

A Conversation with my Dad!

Today I had a conversation with my dad about me being single. If you know my dad you know he is quiet and funny. He has never had anything to say about my relationships. He has intervened only once but that was because my life was in danger, but that is a whole other blog. So today when I went to hangout with my dad he did something that was unlike him. He asked me who I was dating? My response is was my usual, “No one” and he answered with his unusual, “Why not?”… well that is a good question. I am not really sure of the answer so my dad proceeded to ask me why I was not with guys I had previously dated. And lets just say I was surprised by my dads insight into my dating life. Though he had not said anything apparently he was listening and watching.

So he asked about Curtis*, whom my dad has never met. He has just heard his name. I explained that I was always going to see him but he never came to see me. I was always having to ask him to fit me into schedule and most times I came up short. Though I loved our connection and time together, I just didn’t feel like I was really important to him. Basically he could take or leave the time we spent together. My dad surmised that I was in a one sided relationship and told me that we were better as friends because I would never be high on his priority list. It took me about a year to see this and when I asked my dad why he felt this way about someone he had never met he explained, “Men know what they want. They might say they are confused but they know whether or not they want to spend quality time with someone or are just passing time with someone, and he was just passing time with you. And you are better than that”.

He then asked about Marcus*, whom my dad and my extended family has met. I explained that I had held out hope that we would get back together but it has been five years and it’s still fractured in a lot of ways. My dad asked “isn’t he younger than you?” ..Yes sir…”so he is out there thinking there is something better and younger”… I can’t answer that, but maybe. “no I am telling you, that is what it is”, “he will come back and tell you that he misses you and that he made a mistake, don’t enter into that situation again lightly. Pray about it, because men tend to keep looking when they think they can keep coming back”. My dads words slapped me because of a conversation I had with Marcus recently. I had gotten my heart all amped up just to be put in check by my mind when reality and romance did not align. The more my dad talked, “he seems like a good guy. I know he cares for you. Just think he has some growing up to do and because of that I do not want you to waste time waiting in that situation”, the more I sat in awe of my dad’s assessments of my relationships and his vocalizing his wants for me.

He then asked about Damon* whom I had been with for most of my life. My response to his question was, “I cannot do that again”. I had spent half of my life waiting on someone to see me as worthy to marry. Just plan something. Pick a date. Where are we going to do this? What are the colors you like? Who is going to cater it? Want to just go to the courthouse? I got no answers to these questions. I squandered my twenties waiting on this man to want me. My dad cut me off to tell me, “He loved you”. As I sat with a confused look on my face my dad laughed and said, “The way he knew how to love you”. Still confused, he continued ‘As men, we love the way we know how to love. Which does not mean we know how to love you, how to show you love, how to be in love with you, or what love means to you. But that does not mean we do not love you.  It may come across wrong but that doesn’t mean it is not genuine”. So I had to know, so I asked. “so not wanting to spend time with me, treating me like I was invisible when we were around his family, avoiding questions about marriage, hanging out with your boys all the time, etc was his way of showing love?” My dad continued to laugh at me, “No, none of that was about love, that was about complacency and comfort. He didn’t think you were ever going to leave. So why did he need to do something different. For a long time I didn’t think you were going to leave. Apparently God had to intervene for you to see things differently”.  I had to know so I finally asked, “why didn’t you say anything”. With a smirk on his face he said, “its not my life. I don’t know what makes you happy. I can’t walk in your shoes. When you and your sister became of age your mother and I said we will support unless they ask us to intervene or unless we are concerned with your safety”.

In that minute I understood why neither of parents ever said much about my relationships…it was because they we listening and watching everything. My dad then asked me, “So now that you are in your forties, what are you looking for because I want to meet the man who is going to take care of my daughter when I am not here”. That statement struck me. If you read the blog you know my dad recently had a stroke. And by God’s grace and mercy, he is still with us. He must of seen the stricken look on my face, “now do not run out looking for a man because of this, I want you to be happy and find someone who is going to love you like I love your mom. Not some boy in a man’s body who likes what you can do for him. And stop taking care of everyone and ask someone to take care of you”. I had to laugh because I had been thinking recently that maybe I am projecting that I do not need a man and that is why I cannot find my match. So I asked my dad what he meant by that statement and he replied, “we raised you to be independent because we knew that you would have to be strong to keep moving from place to place. But independence does not mean you do not need anyone it simply means that if you have to make it, you can. You tend to take care of others and shun their want to take care of you. Mind you I do not think you have met the man God created for you because the guys you have dated have looked to you to take care of them and that I do not like. But that is the role you have become comfortable in and that needs to change now. Men like to be needed and you don’t need them and they feel that. So you need to find a balance in your life where you will allow your want to someone to be seen as need. Men are simple creatures we do not require actual need just the perception of it” We both laughed and I had to give my dad a high five on that one.

So what my dad was saying is that he raised me to be strong and independent but not to the point to that I am in this life alone. Strength and independence are qualities not ways of life. I want and need companionship, physical contact, and above all else LOVE to make this life2a824c147fcc399b24b8591cc009c167 what God intended it to be, WHOLE!

I left my parents house today in deep thought about what I want in a man and out of life at this point. I really want my mate to meet my father and my father to approve of my mate because my dad was the first man to show me what real love looked like… and I would really love him to see that I have followed his lead and found it. So from this blog to God’s ears then to my door step.. shall he come.. my partner, my friend, my love, my mate!

My first relationship conversation with my dad… at age 41.. told you #chapter41 was going to be epic.


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Un-Side Chick Chronicles

Okay maybe I am being a little melodramatic or maybe I just do not realize what I am projecting.  Do I look like that chick who would be okay with being a side chick, side piece, side anything? Do I give the impression that I will be okay with only having half of your attention and just a little bit of your time? I have always been told that I am real and that is what people like about me but that cannot be true. Why you ask?

Well let’s start with the guy who is in my inbox on “the” Facebook. The one who I have told that ” I have a man” but who insists that he come see me, that I come see him or that I make time for him. So what part of “I have a man” did he not hear. He has stated frequently, “bump that dude”, like that statement is going to make me leave and come see him. So when asked, “If I were your woman would you want me meeting up with random men?”…his response was, “Well that would be different”… How so? Really? (he thinks I am playing, no really…) 

Then there is the guy who wants to take care of you but wants you to put forth all the effort. Wants you to be available for him whenever he has time. Doesn’t care about your schedule but says he cares for…. maybe even loves you. But you can’t come see me? I have to ask what you are doing this weekend to see if you have time for me. But this guy has no time for you. Can’t find a few minutes in his schedule to you pencil you in but wants to send you text messages saying how much he cares. You are lowkey still interested because it was good.. when it was good… but can you get that back or is the current situation what it would be like in the long-term?  All good questions (side chick to his schedule) 

Or we have the guy who texts you every morning, “Hey beautiful” and checks to see how you are doing. He is a decent guy and it’s always nice to be called beautiful. He has listened to you talk about your issues and has been a sounding board for other things. So you are taken aback when you catch a glimpse of him in a wedding picture of one of your associates… as the groom. But wait a minute… (as you check your text messages) you just text me three days ago…. but you are married….. REALLY? (unknowingly almost the side chick)

Fellas please stop the madness… or maybe I am giving off Side Chick Pheromones because nowhere in my personality and my conversation do I come across as a woman who would20527414_10154636237755966_63086769_n be okay with being anyone’s thot plus one. Especially when I have had that conversation at length about not understanding the concept of cheating.  Shit, just leave. I do not get why you would take yourself and anyone else through that. Now I am not going to act like a saint but I will say that with age comes wisdom and this ish has got stop.

Please tell me what I am doing to make guys think that I am side chick available; that I am taking “somebody else’s man” applications; that I am auditioning for thot of the year; that I am okay with community penis; or I am accepting shit when I deserve gold.. I THINK NOT! But apparently I am doing something wrong because this is my reality.

The one I want is not checking for me and has regulated me to the kissable friend zone. So I stay in a positive head space, hit the the gym on the regular, keep being about my business and asking God to intervene on my behalf with a guy who sees me for the jewel, a bad chick, a soldier, a ride or die, a great friend, an amazing helpmate…. for him to just see ME… and be willing to be all those things for me.

And until then.. I gotta find out what I am doing for these guys to be throwing side chick high fives my way… please, please, please, miss with that!

….. stay tuned for what’s next in the “Un (knowing) Side Chick Chronicles..



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