What do you do when you are feeling lost or alone? Some of us retreat even further into our heads and our hearts. And because of this psychologists, therapists and counselors have become a necessity to navigate this day to day existence we call life. So those of you who like to think that you can make it all by yourself.. I call bullshit!!!!!!
First of all God didn’t create us to be solitary creatures. He wanted us to engage, enlighten, and love one another. But it seems that hate, discord and negativity are the greatest forces and because of that..we all need something and somewhere to retreat. My place has to have music. What does yours have to consist of?
Music is one of the places that I can lose myself and it allows me find my way back . Life throws punches, sometimes the bruises are visible and sometimes they are not. Bob Marley said it best..“when the music hits you you feel no pain” . It will soothe your soul if you allow it. Let me tell you how it saved my life…
In October 2017 I was told that I continued to have abnormal results to my cervical testing. I have been dealing with Cervical Cancer issues since the age of 22 and the Lord has seen fit for me to catch it early and continuing to stay it off. In 2017 I finally emotionally, mentally, and spiritually won the debate with my 16 year old self. The one who believed that she (and I) would be married, have at least two kids, and have a nice house. Now, 41 year old me was at peace with not being a biological mother and was loving my space. I have to be honest and say that I still wrestled with being unattached. And when my doctor told me that once again I was going to have to go through another phase of treatment the first things that hit me was…. again I will have to go through this ALONE! …This is where music stepped in… and it was not just any music, it was Gospel music in particular….
My playlist consisted of Fred Hammond, Kirk Franklin, John P Kee, William Murphy, Marvin Winans, Soul Seekers, Tamela Mann, Fantasia, Travis Greene, Uncle Reece, Tina Campbell, Mary Mary, Lisa McClendon, Trin-I-Tee 5:7, Dewayne Woods. Marvin Sapp, Anthony Brown and others.
This was a long process; almost seven months. This music touched every part of my soul and allowed me to crawl out of a dark place. It took me about five months to climb out but once the light got brighter I was able to have the conversation with myself. The conversation where I told myself that just because I am not a mom, I am still a real woman. Where I tell myself that I have touched someone’s life and my existence has not been in vain. Where I tell myself that the man created for me is making his way to me and I will not die without loving someone (other than God and my family) wholeheartedly and receiving that in return. God knows my heart but for a time there I did not care to be here anymore and told God he would just have to deal with me on judgement day. Yes that was a real conversation I had and I meant it. But He wasn’t through with me and used the music to get me through.
One of my ace-girls was listening to alot of gospel at the time and her Spotify account would let me know what she was listening to. So I will click on it and the music was like an elixir. Slowly but surely I was asking myself the hard questions and the music was given me answer in every song I listened to. Check this out…
I was sitting on my bed having a conversation with God and asking him why everyone else had no trouble meeting people; why was I the only one of my friends who didn’t have a man in their lives. What was wrong with me? Spotify came on (its connected to my Alexa) playing “Clean This House” by Isaac Carree and was followed up by Travis Greene, “He Made a Way”. I had to laugh because I will continue to say that I am tired of being alone but God continues to fill my life with positive things. He continues to shine a light on all the great things in my life. The ones I was completely negating because I was so deep in the hole that positivity and light were not on my radar. The sadder part is that very few people realized it.
People see what they want to see and they internalized the you that makes them comfortable. So when you are drowning they look away and then when they are around you they again tap into what they need you to be, nothing more. So when you have those friends that can look at you and say, “somethings off, what’s up”; those are your Angel Crew. Keep those people around.
If you are like me you struggle with asking people for help because when you do something ALWAYS goes wrong. That is my truth. So you just don’t do it. Music has proven to be a friend that if I ask for help it is there and it has not let me down yet.
Doctors have found that music stimulates brain cells and taps into the emotional center of the brain. The neurotransmitter Dopamine brings happy to all that is sad and allows the body and the mind to feel something good in the midst of the crazy negative world. So I have to thank the artists who create amazing music that touches my brain and body at the same time and allowed me to be brought back from the brink. Without you I might not be here…deadass! See, told you we can’t do it alone. God uses everything at his disposal to reach his children.
So now in my forty second year on this planet I am still not out of the woods medically but I am finding my footing in the light emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Music was God’s tool!
What does your playlist look like?
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Saved My Life (Gospel) Playlist
God Still Heals Dewayne Woods
Trust In you Anthony Brown & Group Therapy
No Weapon Fred Hammond
Worth Anthony Brown & Group Therapy
I know I’ve Been Changed Lashon Pace
More Than I Can Bear Kirk Franklin
I Believe John P Kee
It’s Working William Murphy
Draw Me Close to You Marvin Winans
It’s All God Soul Seekers
My Life is in Your Hands Kirk Franklin
God Provides Tamela Mann
Intentional Travis Greene
Until I Pass Out Uncle Reece
Through it All Tamela Mann
I Need You Now Smokie Norful
Made a Way Travis Green
Yesterday Mary Mary
God is Able Smokie Norful
Can’t Give Up Now Mary Mary
He’s An on Time God Dottie Peoples
Well Done Deitrick Haddon
Won’t He Do it Koryn Hawthorne
Let Go, Let God Dewayne Woods