Twelve Ten 2010

Today I got an alarm that read… “I met him today”…

On this day seven years ago I ran into the man I believed would be my husband. We had conversed on Facebook and had finally gotten the chance to meet in the parking lot of a local meeting spot. Had an amazing conversation and made plans to see each other later. In the next four weeks we would be come inseparable.

He spoke to my heart and captured my mind. For those who do not know if you can touch a woman at her core (whatever her core is) you have won her. And he touched parts of me that had laid dormant for many a year. I saw a future with him immediately… But there was a reality I didn’t want to face.. he was leaving me. After a deeply emotional conversation we decided we were going to make it work or at least try.

In my mind this man could be it… But my guard was still up because he seemed to just be biding his time. People flirted and flirted back because I wanted to feel like I had options. So in the event that he walked away I would still not be completely alone. This would later backfire on me.

For the next three months we fell into a really nice rhythm and I could feel myself falling. But I still felt like he was just biding his time. He seemed to want to change me and to make we into what he wanted and it began to feel like I wasn’t good enough. Until the day he invited me to hangout with his friends.

I was in route to Atlanta when he called and asked if I wanted to go to dinner with him and some of his friends. I agreed because he had been so gracious to hang out with mine. And I really wanted to see how he treated me around other people, his people.

We ended up at Hudson’s Grille in Midtown. Sat down at a table on the porch and proceeded to enjoy lunch with about 11 people I didn’t know. The girl sitting next to me was cool as hell and was named Kia. She asked a lot of questions about how long he and I had been together and what was next. He didn’t hesitate or miss a beat.. He grabbed my hand, kissed the back of my hand and proceeded to say “this is my future”….

This took me completely by surprise as I had literally thought I was not what he wanted. That day was a turning point. He continued to move in the right direction with everything.. Job, housing, personally… Things just fell into place.

So a month in a half passes .. He stops by my house on the way back to Atlanta.. We are saying goodbye and he kisses me. As he looks at me my heart speaks and I say “I love you”……… *crickets* I was met with the “where did that come from” look.. And a verbal “Aww sweetie”. I held my heart in my throat as he pulls off. I’m back to feeling like he is just biding his time and that flirting that took place in January/February comes back to sting.

Like I said before. I had continued to flirt with those who flirted with me. Most were not obtainable just people to have conversations with to stroke my libido, my ego, I mean my mind. So apparently he’d found a way into my messenger on Facebook and read a conversation I had with someone before we got serious with each other. But apparently he was looking for a way out.

He used this situation to question my feelings for him. He couldn’t say he didn’t know. I was in love with him and he was telling me bye. I attempted to explain but he had already set on an answer and was willing to walk away from me without a fight or discussion, nothing at all. And that’s what he did. That was the end.. Six months to oblivion… I went from planning our next week to crying over the loss of my heart and I slipped into a serious funk.

Over the last seven years I have subconsciously waited for him to wake up and say he wants me. But it has not happened and I do not foresee it happening. I have chosen celibacy because my heart and my v’gina (yeah I call it that!! 😁) go together to create the perfect gift. And perfection should be honored not given to those who cannot understand its value and importance. No I am not perfect but God makes no mistakes so I am perfectly me.

He has taught me so much. He has added to the lists of what I want in a partner and also what I don’t want. His recent abrupt departure cut a little. It hurts to know someone can go from calling you their future to not allowing you to be part of their present *snap* just like that.

But thanks go out to him. He taught me so much about life, my heart and what love feels like when it’s not returned. I’m open to being loved but most importantly I’m open to loving completely… Just has to be that person that pushes my buttons and answers all the previous No’s with Yes’s… And wants me to be a present to his future!

Xoxo,

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